Signs That You Are Too Drunk

You lose arguments with inanimate objects.

You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the earth.

Job interfering with your drinking.

Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream.

Career won't progress beyond Senator from Massachusetts.

The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.

Sincerely believe alcohol to be the elusive 5th food group.

24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case - coincidence?? - I think not!

Two hands and just one mouth... - now THAT'S a drinking problem!

You can focus better with one eye closed.

The parking lot seems to have moved while you were in the bar.

You fall off the floor...

Your twin sons are named Barley and Hops.

Hey, 5 beers has just as many calories as a burger, screw dinner!

Mosquitoes catch a buzz after attacking you

At AA meetings you begin: "Hi, my name is... uh..."

Your idea of cutting back is less salt.

You wake up in the bedroom, your underwear is in the bathroom, you fell asleep clothed. - hmm.

The whole bar says 'Hi' when you come in...

You think the Four Basic Food Groups are Caffeine, Nicotine, Alcohol, and [Women or Men].

Every night you're beginning to find your roommate's cat more and more attractive.

Roseanne looks good.

Don't recognize wife unless seen through bottom of glass.

That damned pink elephant followed me home again.

Senators Kennedy and Packwood shake their heads when they walk past you.

I'm as jober as a sudge.

The shrubbery's drunk from too frequent watering.

You wake up screaming "TORO TORO TORO!" in the middle of the night.

Here is the joke for the day of August 28, 1998: A blonde & brunette are in an elevator. On the third floor a man gets in who looks perfect -- 3-piece suit, great build, nice butt. The bad part is they both noticed he had dandruff. The man got off on the 5th floor. Once the doors closed, the brunette turned to the blonde and said, "Someone should give him Head & Shoulders." To which the blonde replied, "How do you give Shoulders?"

Here is the joke of the day for August 21, 1998: How do you fit 40 Hatians into a shoebox? Tell them it floats!

Here is the joke for the day of August 18,1998: Why do black people smell? So blind people can hate them too!

Here is the joke for the day of August 17, 1998: There were 2 blondes walking through a forest. The two came across a set of tracks, and the 1st one says,"those are deer tracks." The 2nd disagrees and says,"No! Those are moose tracks." They keep on insisting that they are moose tracks or deer tracks, until the train hits them!!

Here is the joke of the day for August 12, 1998 (I missed a day so sue me!!): What do you get when you cross an elephant with a fish?? Swimming trunks!!!(my friend Katie came up with it so it ain't my normal stuff)

Here is the joke for the day of August 10, 1998: Wanna hear a joke....WOMENS RIGHTS!!

Here is the joke of the day for August 9, 1998: Why were 3 polish guys pushing their house down the street in the middle of winter? They were trying to jump-start their furnace!

Here is my 1st joke, on August 8, 1998, hope you like it!!!
This is titled :"The Hippy, The Nun, and the Bus Driver"
One day a hippy got on a bus and he sat down next to a nun. He asked the nun politely:"Will you have sex with me?" And the nun declined politely and perceeded to get off on the next stop.The bus driver told the hippy:"would you like to know how to have sex with that there nun?" And the hippy was very quick to respond yes! The Bus driver told the hippy that the nun goes down the graveyard and prays there each Tuesday night.And i am sure that if you dress up like god and tell the nun that you will answer her prayers only if she has sex with you!So the hippy decided to try this out and he went to the graveyard the next Tuesday and right on time the nun shows up.And right in the middle of the nun's prying the hippy pops out from behind a tree and asks the nun:"I will answer your prayers only if you have sex with me!"The nun agreed, but she told the hippy anal sex so that she could keep her virginity, and the hippy agreed.When the hippy was done with his work, he whipped of his mask and said, hahaha! I am the hippy.The nun responded by whipping off her mask and saying, hahaha! I am the Bus driver!

More to come later!

I am also truly sorry if these jokes offend anyone in anyway whatsoever!
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